Amends
by jennifer6
Summary: Spike's back from Egypt, and he needs to make things better.


Disclaimer: Buffy and company belong to Joss. Just playing here, no harm done.  
Notes: This is my first story. Please send critical feedback. I so need it.  
  
  
AMENDS  
"So. You're back."  
  
Spike looked down at his boots, then up again. "Fraid so. Couldn't stay away. Guess there were still a few loose ends I needed to take care of. Then I'm off."  
  
Xander shook his head as if trying to dislodge a bothersome bug. "I don't get you."  
  
Spike tilted his head and smirked, as if he was the only one to get the joke. "Not surprised. But, what, exactly is it that you don't get this time?"  
  
"You do remember that you almost raped Buffy, right? I mean, with all the evil deeds you've undoubtedly done in your long, pointless existence, I wouldn't be entirely surprised that a minor thing, like raping the woman you supposedly love, would stay in your memory databank for long."  
  
Spike barely flinched, but Xander caught the movement. "Yeah, well, I'm evil." But the tone was flat. Lifeless. And the words had a life of their own, making Spike grin, Xander clench his fist and take a step closer to Spike. "Wanna grab a beer? Fill me in on what's been happening in the hellhole since I've been away?"  
  
Xander shook his head, as if saying no, but then said, "Normally, no. And never with you, but just this one time, I think I'll take you up on the offer."  
  
Both men turned and walked towards the cemetery gates. They walked side by side, both in thought, neither speaking. Just before they reached the street, though, Xander stopped. He turned around, and put a hand on Spike's shoulder. And if his touch was a little too strong, a little too bruising for such a companionable gesture, Xander didn't notice.  
  
"You're not staying in town. After tonight, you do what you need to do, but then, you're gone. Got that?"  
  
Spike closed his eyes. "Got it."  
  
Inside Willy's Bar, Xander sat in a chair by the back, while Spike got their beer from the bartender.  
  
Then they were sitting on opposite sides of the table. Both men looking at each other, as if trying to figure something out that neither wanted to ask about. Xander, never able to keep his curiosity in check for long, asked first. "Where've you been? Figured you might've gotten smart and skipped town for good after what happened. Hoped, anyway."  
  
"Yeah, well, that's what happened, and what didn't happen, right?" Spike looked at his beer, before draining half its contents, then looked back up with eyes so filled with pain that Xander briefly cared what had happened to him. Then Xander took a couple of quick drinks, and the feeling passed.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Means that I finally figured a few things out, is all. I'm not like you. I really never saw it, or saw it and didn't care..." Spike was looking at the wall, behind Xander's head, like there was some truth hidden in the cracks in the paint. Something, Xander thought, that he would never be able to see.  
  
"You see, I didn't mean to hurt her. Didn't really even notice that I was hurting her. And when I did notice, I felt bad. Huh. Never would've guessed that I'd be able to feel bad for something that I've done. Never had, in fact, until that point."  
  
"What, and that makes you some kind of grand hero? 'Oops, didn't mean to rape you, honey, see it's all better now?' Is that what you're trying to tell me?" Finally noticing that he was shouting by this point, Xander looked at the other lonesome demon in the bar, then back at Spike. In a more normal tone of voice said, "Buffy's been good since you've been gone. Almost to the day you left, she's been better. What the hell do you think you're going to accomplish by coming back?"  
  
"I want to tell her I'm sorry. That's all. Like I was trying to tell you before, I finally see that feeling bad for what I did wasn't enough. Not by a long shot. So I had to sort a few things out. I'll tell her I'm sorry, then none of you will see me again."  
  
"Fine. I'll walk you to Buffy's right now. You say you're sorry, then I'll walk you to the bus stop. Then I never want to see your face again. If I do, I'll kill you. Sound fair?"  
  
"Fair enough. Let's go." They both drained their already mostly empty beers, and set off.   
  
Spike stepped up to the porch. His hands were clenching and unclenching, his head was bowed, and his back was wraught with tension. Finally, he took a long, unneeded breath, and knocked.  
  
Xander decided to let him have a little privacy. He stepped back a few paces, in the grass, so that he was out of earshot, but still close enough to know if anything was going wrong. He wasn't sure why he was letting Spike have his last good-bye, but he knew that Buffy would be mad at him for trying to handle her personal problems. Besides, he knew that she could handle herself. She had been doing better this summer.  
  
The door opened, light seeping out into the darkness. Buffy simply stood there for a moment. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, like a fish out of water. Seeming to make her mind up about something, her mouth thinned, her back tensed. "Spike."  
  
"Yeah, luv, it's me."  
  
"I see that. I was wondering why. What the hell are you doing here?" Despite the angry words, her expression stayed the same.  
  
"Came to say I'm sorry. That you're right. I'm an evil, disgusting thing that you should've never had to put up with." Spike stared right into her eyes, forcing himself to get out what he needed to say before he left.  
  
"Good to know. Now get out of town." Now, Buffy only looked tired.  
  
"Going to go. Just needed to do a few things first. Like saying that I'm sorry..."  
  
"Mission Accomplished. You can leave now." Buffy looked past Spike, noticing Xander standing near the street, and nodded her head just a bit.  
  
"Well, there was one other thing that needed to be done. You see, after what happened...what I did to you, I knew that something needed to change. So, I went and got my soul returned to me." Spike was looking past Buffy, now. Reliving those first terrible moments of more than century of death and pain thrust into him. But he came back to himself in time to catch the glimmer of surprise in Buffy's face. "I know, now, that you could never love me. And I know what I did was horribly wrong. So wrong...But, see, it won't matter after tonight."  
  
Suddenly, Buffy looked down at the stake sticking out of her chest. Eyes wide, she looked back at Spike, who was now crying freely, but still not moving, so that Xander wouldn't see what was happening.  
  
"I'm sorry, luv." Spike whispered, close to her ear. He still had tears in his eyes, but they were no longer falling. "I love you, but it would be too much for me to bear if you were still here, in this world. As long as you're around, I'll always find a way to hurt you. This way, I'll never hurt you again."  
  
Buffy closed her eyes, her mind blanking, her pulse slowing. Spike had her arms in his grip, so that she couldn't fall to the floor. But she still heard every word.   
  
"Don't worry. Nibblet won't have to endure this much pain. I owe her that much." With that, Spike felt her pulse stop, so her gently walked her into the house, and put her on the sofa. He kissed her forehead lightly, then turned to go.   
  
Closing the door, Spike looked to where Xander was still standing. "Ready for the bus stop?" He asked, smiling.   
  
End 


End file.
